Silverstone officials slam Bernie Ecclestone's appearance Ecclestone described as 'too small, too old and just too terribly out of date' London, England. The chairman of the British Racing Drivers' Club, Martin Brundle, at a press conference today urged Bernie Ecclestone to pull himself together and get a haircut or else risk not being allowed into the Silverstone paddock area. "Formula One is a glamorous sport and it is a crying shame that Ecclestone has failed to keep up and is still dressed like the lead singer from the 60s pop group The Monkees," Brundle said. Brundle then outlined plans for Ecclestone that might improve the situation, including borrowing money for clothes from his wife and wearing contact lenses instead of his 30-year-old Audrey Hepburn sunglasses. "Ecclestone must understand that just because he was a hot shot once he cannot just waltz into the paddock area every weekend," Brundle continued. "There are hundreds of taller and better dressed businessmen from Bahrain to Spa that would pay a lot of money to take his place. "I am also concerned about the general public, who must get a rude awakening every weekend when a crumpled and grumpy geezer like Bernie appears on their television sets."
Barcelona Testing Update Ange Pasquali, Toyota "We introduced a new aerodynamic package that displayed different numbers on the timing screens. We have no idea how the changes influence the car and expect to be even more confused than usual at Silverstone as we add another unknown variable to our car."   Norbert Haug, McLaren-Mercedes "We finished a two-lap race simulation in the MP4/18A so we look good if a race were to be red flagged immediately at the start. We thought that Alex Wurz had even managed three laps but unfortunately the car had caught fire and confused the timing system."   David Richards, BAR Honda "Our drivers became suspicious when Bridgestone fitted tires marked M. Schumacher to the cars. Then, Villeneuve demanded an explanation when Bridgestone's engineers got ready to put tires from Jean Todt's Fiat on his car. So all in all, a pretty normal test."   Gary Anderson, Jordan Ford "We have a yellow car with some stickers on it. We are pretty certain of that."		SIDEBAR Heidi Frentzen Signed by Sauber for 2004 P. Stoddart Quietly placed in a witness protection program Sir Terry Rowduck "In the golden era the drivers didn't spend Fridays on testing tyres, it was wine tasting day." Aircraft carrier Sets sail from Japan and heads towards Clermont-Ferrand
"We are invincible," says Frank Williams "Ferrari and McLaren wouldn't be able to tie their own shoelaces without instructions," says team owner Grove, England. A scheduled press conference with WilliamsF1 founder and owner, Sir Frank Williams, took a strange and unexpected turn yesterday. While answering a question from a local reporter about the resurgence of his team, Frank Williams began to gloat. "We expect Ferrari and McLaren to catch us very quickly because they are both excellent teams ......." Williams said, before pausing slightly. "Who am I kidding! They'll never catch us because they are a bunch of losers." Williams then launched into a massive egocentric tirade about his team's overpowering dominance and Ferrari's and McLaren's pathetic attempts at trying to keep up. "We could barely outqualify the Minardis at the start of the season and only 10 races later we are kicking their behinds in front of millions of TV viewers. I mean, are we great or what!" Frank Williams then announced his plans to spend the team's budget on gold plating his office along with his teeth as his competitors wouldn't be able to catch the FW25 "in twenty thousand million billion years."   Villeneuve to join the National Tractor Pulling Series in 2004 "The only open wheel series left to conquer," says Craig Pollock Jacques Villeneuve waiting for his pitcrew during a test Montreal, Canada. Former World Champion Jacques Villeneuve and his manager Craig Pollock announced at a press conference today that Villeneuve would join the National Tractor Pulling Series next season. "The Massey Ferguson corporation approached us with an offer Jacques simply couldn't refuse," said Pollock. "So now Jacques is the proud owner of two brand new tractors and twenty chirping chickens." Villeneuve said he was extremely pleased with the new deal. "I saw immediately that the team's pitstop procedure was sorely lacking, but I loved those huge rear tires." Villeneuve told reporters that he was looking forward to competing against multiple Champion O. McDonald and expected no favours just because he was a former Champion himself. "I have always looked upon the national tractor series as unfinished business," Villeneuve concluded.

About the author:
Reginald Kincaid was born on 30th November 1912. Following graduation from the Royal Military College in Sandhurst he was commissioned in the Forth Hussars in February 1931. While stationed in Egypt with his brigade in 1934, he led the famous "Elgar" high speed camel expeditions that explored and documented the vast sand seas of Libya. In his own words he soon after became addicted to the "fine art of travelling fast" but exchanged camels for cars. Kincaid's exploits in European motor racing became legendary after being documented in his best selling biography "Racing with a stiff upper lip". Reginald Kincaid retired in 1991 and has been covering motor racing ever since. He now lives in Surrey, England, and tends to his hobby of beekeeping.